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I Love Men

When I tell people I’m a feminist, they assume I hate men. On the contrary. I love men (just ask my friends: I never shut about Hugh Jackman). I think men are fantastic.

I don’t get them.

I think it all started when I was a little kid. I saw it in TV shows, heard it from my relatives, and it was the excuse that teachers gave when I cried to them about two boys who made fun of me for eating paper and erasures (I was an odd kid). I was told, basically, that guys will be dicks to you if they like you. Then none of the guys I was friends with did that, because they’re decent human beings, and I was so confused.

Also, I was told that boys were only interested in one thing before I knew what the “one thing” was. Was it food? I wondered. I also am only interested in food. Does that make me a boy?

Then, after the magic of puberty began, I was (implicitly) told that I had to be this thing that no man I met who was worth a damn actually cared about and I was even more confused. Of course, on my side, I was told to expect a Disney prince who was perfect and romantic all the time. I’m still waiting.

I started to wonder if men really knew what they wanted. I mean, it takes my boyfriend forever to decide what to order at a restaurant.

I could understand that, that was for sure. I never knew what I wanted either

When I got older, I realised that men were in charge of most of the media telling us these things. Then, it got even more confusing. Why were men creating and marketing these things when it wasn’t what they actually wanted?

And that’s why I don’t get guys. This stuff is screwing with me too.

I wish I could see the world in terms of “human” and “other human with more/less hair”, but I recognise the gender differences. And the brain differences.

Nobody is doing anything we’re supposed to be doing. I don’t understand it. Stop it.

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Cure for Depression!

(Author’s note:  This article is complete and total satire. I’m not serious about any of this stuff. Not even a little bit. However, I do recognise that the language I’m using could trigger bad emotions for a lot of people. Viewer discretion advised. I’d also like to thank my facebook friends for assisting me with this article.)

Hello dear friends! Kelsey Mills here with exciting news!

There IS a cure for depression!

I know, folks. It’s incredible. It’s amazing. By the time you’re reading this, I will already have made a million dollars and be lounging on my depression-free yacht.

It’s so simple that every single person I’ve met who knows of my depression knows these three valuable tips, but I’m offering them here as a pre-packaged bundle for a limited time only, and then I’m going to make the “mad” returns.

Mad. Get it?

Well screw you then. I cured my depression with positive thinking, so suck it.

God I’m miserable.

Wait, what was I talking about?

Positivity!

As you may have guessed, the first way to cure depression is through the power of positive thinking! What is positive thinking, you may ask. Good question! Positivity is like the force. It is all around us and connects every living being. It enables you to do amazing things, like controlling people’s minds and shooting lighting out of your hands. Just last week I lifted my dining room table when I lost a skittle under it. All through the power of positive thinking, and tapping into it’s potential.

How do you use this to cure depression? Well, once you can lift a dining room table, you don’t have much to be depressed about anymore. With positive thinking, you can also brighten up the lives of everyone around you, whom you have undoubtedly depressed with your lack of positive thinking. Shame on you.

If this method doesn’t work, then you should bust out the natural remedies. St. John’s Wort is very popular, and all those rumours about “liver failure” “medication interaction” and “psychosis” are just bunk. Serotonin syndrome is just something the corporations made up to keep all the positive thinking to themselves. Everyone knows serotonin isn’t real. It’s probably the non-medical ingrediants causing all the problems. anyway. No one knows what any of that stuff does. If you want to go completely herb-free, you could always try exercising. Everyone knows yoga is magic and can cure cancer and stuff. If you combine it with positive thinking, you will turn super saiyin and be able to poop rainbows.

Still not cheering up? Geez, get over yourself. My final tip to you is that someone always has it worse than you. There are kids in Africa with no food, you know. Some kid in whatever-stan probably got their leg blown off while you were reading my brilliant, life changing advice. Maybe you just don’t deserve to be happy. Get over yourself.

Positivity!

Things men need to hear.

Hi there men.

My name is Kelsey.

I am not a man.

I am a woman.

Some of you are immediately going to think less of me for that last statement. Some of you are going to dismiss my opinion. That’s not okay, but I ask you to just listen to me for five minutes.

Before I begin, I know a lot of you are going to think throughout this that I’m over reacting, and that not all men are like this.

Tough tits.

Because enough men are that I feel I have to say this. And, if you’re as sick of them as I am, listen to me.

No one is entitled to shit.

It’s hard to hear. But it’s the truth. No one is entitled to anything beyond human rights. You aren’t entitled to a fancy car because you know how to drive, you aren’t entitled to book because you know how to read, and you’re not entitled to another person’s body. Ever.

Being kind to someone does not entitle you to their body.

Being in a relationship with someone does not entitle you to their body.

Thinking someone is attractive does not entitle you to their body.

Telling that person that they are attractive does not entitle you to their attention.

Being more physically imposing than others does not entitle you to whatever you want.

I understand loneliness. I understand rejection. I understand feeling like no one will ever love you and not understanding why.

It hurts.

But that doesn’t mean that you are entitled to hurt someone else.

Maybe no one told you that someone not wanting to date you wasn’t the end of the world. Maybe no one told you that you were special just for being you. And that’s not okay.

But expecting others to “pay” for that is not okay either.

You may be thinking “where does this stupid bitch get off?” or “Look, another feminazi.”Whatever. The point isn’t me. The point is you.

You aren’t owed shit.

The world doesn’t owe you shit.

Life doesn’t owe you shit.

Women

Don’t

Owe

You

Guess what? Life doesn’t owe anyone shit. It’s the way it works. It’s cliché, but life isn’t fair.

Especially not to women.

Admitting that there are problems in the world specific to women doesn’t make your problems less important. Admitting that men cause a lot of these problems doesn’t make you bad for being a man.

Not all men are mass murderers and rapists. It’s okay to feel sorry for people who hurt so much that they hurt lots of people to deal with it. But what they did is not okay. And saying that “not all men” do this is minimizing that some do.

Men are just as likely to be killed by men as women are. We’re in this boat together. Not all men do these terrible things, but the ones that do hurt all of us.

So hi there men. My name is Kelsey. I’m a human. So are you. Let’s work together to make the world safe for all of us.

 

 

On Fandom: My thoughts on the Regina Fan Expo (and “cons” in general)

bitter bitch

A fan expo was held in my home city, Regina, over the past weekend.

A fan expo, for those of you who don’t know, is basically a geek culture smorgasborge. There’s merchandise and guests from anime, comic books, movies, video games, television and occasionally the odder sects of the population.

They are also barrel-of-monkeys category of fun.

Most of the time.

I could go into all of the different things I did there, but that’s not what I want to talk about here. If you want to hear about that, go find my Tumblr or my Facebook. I’m here to talk about the academic, snobby stuff.

I love what the fan expo represents in the broader cultural sphere. I have been a geek for my entire life, which has only been 20 years long. I have seen geek culture become more main-stream throughout my life. I know that conventions have been going on since the days of the original Star Trek, but those were almost universally lauded.  Now, everyone is talking about the fan expo.

Much of geek culture is constructed around the monomyth, Joseph Campbell’s hero with a thousand faces. This is a universal story type common to all cultures. People love these stories. We all connect with them. I’m just surprised it took so long for geek culture to be accepted amongst the common folk, given this.

This is a beautiful thing. And yet, I am outside.

Part of it, of course, is my inner snobbishness and the sneering contempt I hold for others deep within myself. This contempt comes out here, on this blog, and admittedly, nowhere else. I glare with barely concealed rage that all these people dare think they’re better than me, that they’re above talking to me, when we’re all in the same boat, grasping at the crumbs that this world has afforded us. Crumbs that brought us here.

Oh yes, I am a bit bitter that the sycophantic, stuck-up girls who made my elementary and high school experiences a symphony of misery have suddenly embraced the culture I used as my escape from them because it is now “cool”. They nauseate me. And yet, these are among the many who act as though I am below them. Imagine that. If anything, they should be avoiding my eyes out of embarrassment, because people like me made these things “cool” and they were too shallow to see it before now.

Part of it is because I cannot stand the hypocrisy. All day I get to hear them crooning about how accepting geek culture is because a few trans people were brave enough to show their true colours and because the men’s bathroom lineup is the same size as the women’s and because there are more furries in one place than I knew existed.  Then I look at the scantily dressed women in comic books. The women parading their bodies around to hawk products to horny man children. I remember that if I see another bisexual person in a comic book they will promiscuous, and you won’t see a trans person in a mainstream comic at all. I can practically hear them roll their eyes when a guest mentions that they are a feminist.

I want to tell them where they can shove their acceptance.

Maybe it is my 20-something disillusionment. I don’t understand the world I live in anymore. I don’t understand geek culture. I am not the 12 year old who fell in love with the x-men, who read Isaac Asimov when everyone else was reading Twilight and who liked vampires and zombies back when that made you a freak. I am an angry young woman who is sick of love triangles, sick of the same old stories.

Tell me some new ones.

 

-God bless,

Kelsey J.