(Author’s note: This article is complete and total satire. I’m not serious about any of this stuff. Not even a little bit. However, I do recognise that the language I’m using could trigger bad emotions for a lot of people. Viewer discretion advised. I’d also like to thank my facebook friends for assisting me with this article.)
Hello dear friends! Kelsey Mills here with exciting news!
There IS a cure for depression!
I know, folks. It’s incredible. It’s amazing. By the time you’re reading this, I will already have made a million dollars and be lounging on my depression-free yacht.
It’s so simple that every single person I’ve met who knows of my depression knows these three valuable tips, but I’m offering them here as a pre-packaged bundle for a limited time only, and then I’m going to make the “mad” returns.
Mad. Get it?
Well screw you then. I cured my depression with positive thinking, so suck it.
God I’m miserable.
Wait, what was I talking about?
As you may have guessed, the first way to cure depression is through the power of positive thinking! What is positive thinking, you may ask. Good question! Positivity is like the force. It is all around us and connects every living being. It enables you to do amazing things, like controlling people’s minds and shooting lighting out of your hands. Just last week I lifted my dining room table when I lost a skittle under it. All through the power of positive thinking, and tapping into it’s potential.
How do you use this to cure depression? Well, once you can lift a dining room table, you don’t have much to be depressed about anymore. With positive thinking, you can also brighten up the lives of everyone around you, whom you have undoubtedly depressed with your lack of positive thinking. Shame on you.
If this method doesn’t work, then you should bust out the natural remedies. St. John’s Wort is very popular, and all those rumours about “liver failure” “medication interaction” and “psychosis” are just bunk. Serotonin syndrome is just something the corporations made up to keep all the positive thinking to themselves. Everyone knows serotonin isn’t real. It’s probably the non-medical ingrediants causing all the problems. anyway. No one knows what any of that stuff does. If you want to go completely herb-free, you could always try exercising. Everyone knows yoga is magic and can cure cancer and stuff. If you combine it with positive thinking, you will turn super saiyin and be able to poop rainbows.
Still not cheering up? Geez, get over yourself. My final tip to you is that someone always has it worse than you. There are kids in Africa with no food, you know. Some kid in whatever-stan probably got their leg blown off while you were reading my brilliant, life changing advice. Maybe you just don’t deserve to be happy. Get over yourself.